Thursday, November 29, 2012

Random Thoughts

I've had lots of random thoughts swirling around in my head for awhile now. I've been meaning to write this post and keep telling myself I need to just sit down and write but my procrastination (fancy word for just plain lazy) keeps kicking in and I never get it written. I've decided to force myself to just sit down and write....

I think I've mentioned before that I suffer from Very low self esteem. I have for most of my life. All I've ever wanted to do was to have people like me. Not just certain people but EVERYONE. Everyone has to like me or there's something wrong with me. (Now logically, I know this isn't true. I know it's not possible or fair to expect everyone to like me. But that evil voice inside my head keeps telling me this)

I also hate to fail. Its not that I'm competitive. In fact, I feel bad if I win because then someone else loses but I also feel bad if I lose. (kinda takes the fun out of playing games huh? lol) The hating to fail part of me can be very crippling at times. Instead of risk failing at something 9 times out of 10 I will chose not to do it so I don't have to worry about failure or looking bad or whatever.

I struggle with this in my photography. I'm so afraid of not being good enough. Not having people want to hire me or like my pictures etc that part of me doesn't want to actually forge ahead with the business end of this. (Plus I struggle with not feeling like I'm good enough. I do try not to compare myself to others. I know that is detrimental to me but there are times I can't help it.) I compare myself to all levels of photographers. Even ones who've had YEARS of experience.

I look at their thriving businesses and wish I had that. Then I remember the risk it takes, You have to put yourself out there. You have to interact with people. You have to risk not being liked. Nope, Not there yet. All I can see is that I'm not good enough. I don't know flash well enough (I still can't seem to grasp it and so far I have yet to have a class that really explains it. They sort of explain it but they don't get totally in depth with it and it just hasn't clicked yet. The pieces are starting to come together but I feel like I'm missing a ton of the pieces so it just doesn't come together completely.) I  don't know how to come up with the great poses. I don't know many great locations.... I could come up with a million reasons I'm not good enough.

I know I am the thing that is holding me back from being successful. I know if I could overcome ME I could do it. But there is one thing I am strong at it's weakness. My weakness and self doubt is so strong that its overwhelming. There are days it takes over everything I do. There are other days that it stays quiet, lurking in the background, waiting for the right moment to take over.

I want to be self confident, self assure, strong, and successful. I'm just not sure how to overcome this. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. How do you change the way you've thought for 35 years?

I'm not sure where I thought this post was going to go but I didn't think this was where it was headed. I thought it was going to go with my Agoraphobia but apparently this is what was supposed to come out instead.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Happy Birthday Jim!!

Today is my hubby's birthday. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so grateful that he's mine and that he decided to stick it out with me all these years.

He is an amazing dad. He is so awesome with our kids and I learn things from him everyday.

He is a wonderful husband. He does so much for me. He loves me in spite of me. I try every day to show him how much I love him and how grateful I am for him in my life.

He is a hard worker. He works so hard for our family. He loves his job and does his best everyday. (Although even when he hated his job he still worked very hard at it and gave it his all) He is such a great example to me and our kids.

He is super smart! He can answer just about any question that I have. He can do huge math problems in his head.

He can fix anything. I love how handy he is.

He is creative. He has a great eye for art and is my assistant at many photo shoots.

He is such a great guy and I hope he has a wonderful birthday!!!
I love you baby! Happy 35th Birthday

Monday, November 19, 2012

Strengths and Weaknesses

Turns out children are individuals. They are TOTALLY different. Even twins are completely different.

Back Story:
We've had a long last couple of days. Saturday night we went to a friends house and the kids didn't go to bed until almost 10:30 which is way past bed time. Then yesterday we went to my parents house and they played with a bunch of their cousins. We got home about 7 which is pretty much bed time. Needless to say the kids were EXHAUSTED.

All of them needed showers before they went to bed so we were preparing for that. I told Ellie to pick out jammies and get ready to take a shower. She didn't want to pick out jammies. Then she wanted someone to be with her. This turned into a full blown tantrum. Ellie tantrums are exhausting and frustrating (as most of them are.) But this little girl is determined, smart, stubborn, and persistent. She will continue to cry/ask for the same thing over and over during a tantrum. You can ask her a question and she refuses to answer it. She will continue to repeat the same statement over and over. I know this sounds like a regular tantrum, but and Ellie tantrum is worse than a Ben tantrum or a Will tantrum. An Ellie tantrum is a battle of wills. And hers is STRONG. Which is something that I love about her. I want her to always have that determination and strong will. We have had to learn how to deal with it. She needs to know there are boundaries. She needs to know that she is being heard and is allowed to be angry but she has to learn to control it. She needs consistency. She's like a wild mare. She has so much strength and power in her she just needs to know how to reign it in when needed. She needs to know who is in control and how far she is allowed to push things. If you give into her tantrums she is ten times worse the next time. When she learns to control her determination, strong will, persistence and stubbornness she will go far in life. Jim is amazing dealing with her. He is patient and strong. He knows how to calm her down and he's able to help her to control her anger. I learn so much from watching him with her.

Will is totally different than her. He gets overwhelmed easily. He is super sensitive and super smart. He is surprisingly smart. When he gets upset he freaks out. His isn't because he wants to control the situation like his sister. He does want things to go his way but not because he wants to control things. In dealing with Will you have to remove him from the situation. When he gets upset its like his senses have gone on overload. Even if you gave him what he wanted he'd still have a hard time calming down. He needs to completely leave the room. Sometimes you have to sit with him and have him take big deep breaths. We have to help him refocus his frustration.

Ben is very emotional. He is very caring and loving. Trust is very big with him. If you tell him something is going to happen it NEEDS to happen. He has a hard time understanding when you tell him "no" its for a reason it's not just because you don't love him. He takes every "no" personally. With Ben you have to explain to him the reason you are telling him no and let him know that you still love him he just can't do x, y or z. He wants to please everyone. He is very concerned about people liking him - whether its us, his friends, his teachers, etc. With him we need to help him gain more self confidence.

Our kids are so unique. They are all so much fun and we love them each so much. Its quite a learning experience in handling each one of them. What works with one doesn't work with another. In fact sometimes what is the right thing to do with one of them is complete wrong thing to do for the other. I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful husband who is so patient with them (and me).

Friday, November 02, 2012


Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. (I even decorate my BATHROOM lol) I couldn't skip doing a Halloween post. I didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked but I am working on it. Here is Ben carving his pumpkin. 

Ellie was content to watch. She thought scooping out the pumpkin guts was "disgusting"

 Will was having fun running around the driveway. 

 The closest thing I got to a picture of all of them. 
My ninja checking out his jack o lantern. He said "Mom I don't want to get to close to it because my costume says its flammable." Safety first! :)
Here are my trick or treaters. :) We had a ninja, an Angry Bird and Captain America. (She was Captain America last year as well. But we had to break down and buy her a new costume because her old one was ripped.) I also had to go to three different stores for the Angry Bird costume and after I finally found it and bought it our friend told me he found it at Baby's R Us for 40% off. GRRRR!!! Oh Well. Will Loved it. Once Halloween was over I throw all the costumes into their costume box and they get to play with them all year. It makes it worth the money in my book. 

Happy Halloween!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Love Languages

Quite a while ago I came across the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. (I thought I wrote a whole blog post on this a couple years ago but it seems I didn't.) Well I came across it again recently and decided to retake the assessment (especially since I have no idea what I got last time)
Here is a quote from the website that kind of explains the Love Language concept.
After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.
Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

I wasn't totally surprised by my results. Here are my results: 

Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service

Your Love Language

Words of Affirmation
The highest score indicates your primary love language (the highest score is 12). It’s not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does have a slight edge for most people. That just means two languages are important to you.
The lower scores indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you very much on an emotional level. Click Next to learn more about your primary love language and how to put it to use.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Hubby also took the assessment. His results were
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts

At least our to two are the same although in reverse. I don't think that Acts of Service is really 0 for me. I took it again and these are my second results: (I think they stay generally the same but some move up or down a little depending on your mood)
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service

This is useful information to have. I learned that getting up and giving my hubby a kiss when he gets home work from or leaves is HUGE in his book. Every day I would make a point to put a note in his lunch box telling him I loved him and I hope he had a great day. I learned that the hug and kiss has way more impact than the note. I also learned how important words are to me. I need to be told I'm loved and appreciated.

Interesting stuff.... If you would like to take the assessment for yourself here's the link Love Language Quiz
11Words of Affirmation
8Quality Time
2Receiving Gifts
2Acts of Service
7Physical Touch

Monday, October 22, 2012

10 Things I Love About My Husband

My husband really is an amazing man. I grew up with all the same dreams most little girls have. Marry a prince, have lots of babies, live happily ever after. Thats the way things work isn't it? Well my husband may not be a prince in the technical sense of the word (Unless he is and he's just hiding all those untold riches, which means we need to have a LONG talk ;) ) But he is my Prince Charming.

There is so much that I love about this guy that I figured I would narrow it down to the 10.

1. I love that he loves me in spite of me.
This may sound weird. But if you knew me you'd know I have pretty low self esteem and that in turn can make me somewhat hard to live with. I know its frustrating to him that I don't believe in myself and that I have a hard time understanding why someone would love me but he does.

2. He has amazing patience with our kids.
Kids can be difficult at times. They all have different personalities (Its almost like they are totally unique little people! Crazy huh? :) ) They all require different parenting techniques. One of our children is super sensitive. This child needs help calming down. It's a challenge for me - especially when I am angry or upset with said child. Yelling at this particular child only escalates the situation. Hubby is really great about getting down to eye level with this child and calming the child down. (I specifically am not naming names about said child)

3. He sacrifices so much for our family.
There have been times that he has worked two jobs or worked full time and gone to school full time so he could provide for our family. He works so hard and his work ethic is something that every employer would want.

4. He is one of the smartest people I've ever met.
There isn't a question that I've asked him that he doesn't have an answer for. He is a human calculator. He can do huge math problems just in his head. I used to car pool to work with a coworker and we would come up with questions on the ride to work just so we could call him and get the answers.

Anyone who has ever met my hubby knows that he is the funniest guy EVER. He can make just about anyone laugh. Some of my favorite times are just when we sit together laughing. He is so quick on his feet too. He usually has a comeback for everything.

6. He knows how to say I'm sorry.
One thing that I've learned from him over the years is how to say I'm sorry. He is willing to admit when he is wrong and apologize for it. This is rare from what I hear.

7. I'm never stranded
I know that if I get lost I can call him and he will be there to talk me back home.

8. He can fix ANYTHING
If there is a problem with my car - he can fix it.
If there is something broken in the house - he can fix it.
If I am down/sad/depressed - he's usually able to bring me out of it.
If something is wrong with the dog or cat - he knows what to do.
If we were in the middle of the zombie apocalypse - I'd want him next to me because I know I'd be safe.

9. He believes in me
He is my biggest fan. He loves my photography and my sewing projects. He tells me I'm smart and that I can finish school.

10. He sleeps cuddled up next to me.
I know most people don't sleep this way but I love it. I love that he will sleep with his arms around me and his legs tangled up in mine. Even during the winter when my body temperature is below freezing.

To make a long post short, too late I really am the luckiest woman in the world. I know I haven't always appreciated him the way that I should. I know in the past I've forgotten what a great man I have.  I haven't always been the best wife I could have been and I know I've made some horrible mistakes in my life. I'm not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing husband but I'm glad I have him. He is my protector, my comedian, my lover, my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my rock, my everything.

I love you baby and I hope to have 80 more years together to show you how much I love you.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Life gets in the way

I've been wanting to start up blogging again but then I either:
  • get lazy
  • get super busy
  • procrastinate
  • get overwhelmed
  • have writers block
  • or have a million and one other excuses that I could come up with.
There is an old saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going to end up. I have every intention of keeping up with this blog but somedays I just can't seem to do it.

Lets see what has been going on I started another semester at school. This semester I'm taking Intermediate Photography and Wedding and Special Events. Something I have discovered about myself. As much as I would like to believe I am a positive person, as much as I try to think positively - in reality I'm actually very negative. This is something that was pointed out to me awhile ago by a friend who told me I wasn't a very happy person. I brushed it off thinking she didn't know what she was talking about. But doing some self reflection and talking to hubby I've learned she is right. I tend to complain ALOT. Even about things that I love. I don't seem to look on the bright side of things and in fact I'm able to see the dark cloud inspite of the silver lining. This is somethings I don't like about myself. I am making a concious effort to try to change my attitude. I'm trying to focus on the things that are going right as opposed to the things that are going wrong.

What else has been happening? Hubby decided to take a break from Facebook recently. I know what you're thinking. "That's crazy?! How can anyone take a break from Facebook? How would I keep up with my friends? How will I know when something is going on? How will I share this hilarious picture/story/video/website, etc? What will I do if I'm having a bad day and need someone to lift me up? Who will I tell that I'm going to the gym/what I'm eating for dinner/that I'm heading to bed?" The crazy thing is he doesn't really miss it. I'm actually thinking of following his lead. I've already limited my time on Facebook to about 10 minutes total a day. I realized how dependant I had become on the validation I received from everyone else.
Hubby and I realized that we weren't putting much effort into our relationship because we were relying on Facebook. We could message each other on Facebook. We would log on to Facebook at night and check in on everyone we knew but we wouldn't just sit next to each other and get to know each other. Its hard to break the Facebook habit. Its an addiction. I haven't been able to quit cold turkey but I am weaning myself.

I have lots more to write about but I don't want this to get to long or end up writing everything in one post and then ending up with no posts for another six months or so.

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